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Don't Be A Videogame Girlfriend

22-Jan-2009 A quick look at ladies who suffer worst in games. Spoilers within!

8 Comments

If you're a secret agent, you'll be double crossed. If you're the main character in a RPG, your village will be burnt down. If you're the President, you'll be kidnapped by ninjas. And hell, if you're a ninja, your master will be killed.

But the one thing you absolutely do not want to be is a girlfriend in a videogame. Gender issues aside, you will suffer a fate far worse than any of the above.

Here's a look at some of the girlfriends in videogames who have had a rough time of it and perhaps should have done better picking the love of their life...

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

Jen (Prey)

Jen begins Prey as a barmaid, where she's harrassed by a couple of guys. This leaves you, Tommy, using a wrench to persuade them to leave her alone. The bar gets sucked up by alien forces, taking Jen and Tommy with it.

Jen's time in Prey comes to an end when the top half of her body is fused with the bottom half of a monster, that's intent on attacking you. Unfortunately, when you kill the monster, you realise you must kill Jen to end her suffering. At the start of Prey, you're protecting Jen. At the end, you're mercy killing her.

Maria (Gears of War 2)

As part of a continuing storyline from the first Gears, Dom Santiago continues the search for his lost wife, Maria. When the COG find human prisoners who are physically and mentally unable to deal with the torture inflicted by the Locust, it's an ominent sign of things to come.

Sure enough, when Dom does find Maria, it's not a pretty sight. The torture has left her mentally scarred and unable to communicate, as she can no longer even recognise or respond to Dom. Dom then makes the painful decision to euthanise her.

Jenny (The Darkness)

As Jackie's girlfriend, Jenny has no idea that he's a contract killer for the Franchetti family. At one point in The Darkness, you can watch TV until she falls asleep on your chest.

Unfortunately, her relationship proves fatal. As Jackie's dispute with Paulie spirals out of control, Paulie kidnaps Jenny and makes sure Jackie is watching as he executes her.

Alceme (Rise of the Argonauts)

Jason and Alceme are getting married in a grand ceremony that will unite the King of Iolcus with the Queen of Mycenae. Hercules looks on and the people cheer as the two are united.

That is, until a Blacktongue assassin shows up and fires an arrow through Alceme's heart. As Jason cradles his dying Alceme in his arms, he swears revenge and vows to find a way to bring her back to life.

Your Wife (Fable II)

Of course, it could be that you marry your wife and treat her with absolute respect, shower her with gifts, buy snazzy new furniture for the marital home and regularly check up on the kids.

Unfortunately, given the stories we've heard in the office, it's just as likely your virtual wife will be cheated on, forgotten about or worse. One demon door refuses to open without a show of love - one person in the office then wooed a lady in the nearest village, brought her to the demon door, kissed her and when the door swung open, killed her on the spot. True story.

Elika (Prince of Persia)

Though Elika isn't strictly speaking your girlfriend and although it's technically love that drives the Prince to bring her back to life, it's also his love that undoes her hard work.

Having spent the entire time guiding, helping and protecting Elika as she brings the fertile grounds back to life and gives her life defeating Ahriman, the Prince releases Ahriman to ensure she lives again. As he carries her to safety while a dark storm, Elika is resigned to defeat. She has failed in her mission because the Prince has fallen for her.

Kane's Wife (Kane & Lynch)

Kane is broken out of his prison truck at the beginning of the game only to learn he is being kidnapped rather than rescued. The7, who are behind the kidnapping, believe Kane betrayed them in an earlier heist and say that if he doesn't retrieve their 'retirement' reward in three weeks, they will kill his wife and daughter.

Three weeks pass and Kane has been unsuccessful. He attempts to renegotiate with The7, only for them to execute their wife infront of him during the now notorious 'dumptruck scene'. Later in the game, it's revealed that Lynch's wife was also murdered.

Kyrie (Devil May Cry 4)

Nero's other half, Kyrie, makes it through the early hours of Devil May Cry 4 intact but is eventually kidnapped by deranged scientist Agnus. Sanctus, the High Priest of the Order of the Sword, then uses her as a human shield in order to capture Nero.

However, unlike the other girls on the list, Kyrie makes it to the end of the game alive. Maybe it's not all that bad being a videogames girlfriend?

Ryan King