The right way to write this introduction to issue 89 would be impersonating Claptrap, Borderlands 2's chunky robot ally/nemesis, but I lack the requisite air of slightly sinister cheeriness and besides, I'm worried Gearbox would sue. You'll find plenty of Claptrap in the issue itself, however. He's our guest editor.
Our Borderlands 2 special is available in six, mouth-wateringly stylish flavours - find the golden one and you'll win a TV. Those who swipe a silver, red, blue, green or orange cover shouldn't go home disappointed, however, as each and every one shields the exact same whopping Borderlands 2 preview, containing everything you need to know about missions, bajillions of bone-powderising weapons, sizzling new classes and the revamped, extra-lucious Pandora, best enjoyed with a tall, cool glass of Wimoweh.
Borderlands 2 guru Matt also managed to fit in a trip to LucasArts last month, and came back loaded down with Star Wars 1313 info. Read all about the game's luscious (next gen proof?) looks - the result of a collaboration between veterans of the film trilogy and veterans of the latest high-end blockbusters - plus how LucasArts is reshaping Coruscant to support a darker, dirtier breed of Star Wars fiction. Next to the city's seedy underbelly, Mos Eisley looks like Tellytubby Land.
Deeper in, Jonty speaks to Epic's Rod Fergusson about Gears of War: Judgment and Gears in general (spoiler: the developer's not ruling out a Gears of War FPS). On the previews front, I burrow beneath Dead Space 3's action stylings to discover some classic suspense. Log's turned in a huge retrospective on Portal 2, the results of a chat with Valve's Erik Wolpaw and Chet Faliszek, which covers all manner of cut content (e.g. "The Morgan Freeman Sphere") and development secrets. And last but not least, Mike's let fly at SmartGlass, Internet Explorer 9 and Kinect Playfit in a feature on forthcoming Xbox 360 software updates.
On the disc this month? Lots of fast, colourful action in the shape of playable Vanquish, Rayman, Scott Pilgrim and Diabolical Pitch demos - there are 15 in total. And where to get hold of this treasure trove of delights? Well, you can buy a physical copy online with free postage, download a copy for iPad from Apple Newsstand, or nab an Android-friendly version from Zinio. Do bear in mind that you'll need a physical copy if you want to enter our golden Claptrap competition.