Spoiler alert: I know very little about football. The damning evidence is below, scattered around an article on FIFA 13's nips and tucks and, specifically, how developer EA Canada has improved the virtual versions of Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Peter Crouch.
But I'm trying, reader. I'm trying to make good. Why else would I choose to focus on FIFA 13's fine details? The few months between now and the game's (probable) autumn/winter release will be a period of personal enlightenment and redemption, similar to Manchester United's dramatic return to form following the Munich air disaster in 1958. See, I'm trying.
FIFA 13 offers Complete Dribbling, a variation on FIFA Street's dribbling system, which allows players to move around the ball in order to face or shield off other players. This should be pleasant news for fans of Messi - Argentina's national captain, don't you know - as executive producer David Rutter explains.
"The whole idea behind the push-pull is, if you're playing as Messi, if you watch Messi every match, he's just pushed and pulled every where, because everyone wants him off the ball, and they know they can't catch him and they're probably not going to be able to dispossess him," Rutter told the gentlemen and ladies of Videogamer.
"So he's developed a way of kind of stumbling around with the ball that looks ingenious. So we have that system now in the game too, which is great. We can create Messi as he truly is."
Cristiano Ronaldo - the most expensive footballer in history, since you ask - has also benefited. "The way that Ronaldo controls the ball in close quarters, and chops and changes directions rapidly when he's facing off against someone, we've sort of had that in the past, but not to the extent that you can actually keep moving whilst doing it. You'd always have to stand totally still."
England's Crouch, finally, will find it easier to get support up-front thanks to the game's smarter AI. Computer-controller players now think several moves ahead, second-guessing your tactics and making way. "So last year with personality plus we had that, we introduced the concept of vision which I think worked really well. I think the idea was that your team mates last year could kind of spot what your attributes were and try to support you in that.
"So, if you're Peter Crouch: he runs into the box, kind of stands there hoping to either nod the ball onwards or down to someone to try and do something with it. The team would know that and play balls to Crouch's head.
"Now, knowing that, the AI has a suite of attacking intelligence it can tap into to be able to do mazy runs or get in behind, or stay onside, you always see that. When a player starts to do that the rest of the team understands what's going on and support that, meaning the players that have great vision and can play those balls have a range of options to do so."