GTA 5: 30 ways to bring back the older, sillier GTA

Grand Theft Auto 5 is probably going to be another "serious" Grand Theft Auto, inasmuch as you can call any game "serious" which cracks wise about paedophilia in its debut trailer. It will reach beyond violence and slapstick to Serious Topics, like Immigration, Substance Abuse and Misdeeds Coming Back To Haunt You.

The resulting edgy concoction will wow critics - GTA 4 certainly impressed us on this count - but those who hanker for the neon-addled, chainsaw-revving lunacy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City may feel a touch jilted. Turns out a fair few of you people - yes, you - number among the latter. Last week's competition about what you want to do in GTA 5 attracted several compelling suggestions and a deluge of farcical ones. Here are the cream of the crop.

Congratulations to Darth Mousemat, pop and fresh and comabob, who walk away with GTA themed mugs, T-shirts and stickers. Send me your delivery details on edwin.thirlwell@futurenet.com, chaps.

1. I want to find out how Niko Bellic's doing (AK47-Mentalman)

How far is it from Liberty City to San Andreas? Can't be much further than from Liberty City to whichever beat-up Eastern European nation Niko hails from.

2. I want to meet Carl Johnson

Presumably, the hero of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is still at large in the city. Maybe he's the villain? If Prototype 2 can handle a switcheroo of that magnitude, Rockstar should have no trouble.

3. I want a pushbike (acollins118)

Do your bit for climate conservation by nicking a set of wheels from the nearest school kid. Carbon-neutral transport! Free exercise! And all you've had to do for the privilege is make a small child weep.

4. I want gang territories back (B1zuk)

Grand Theft Auto 4 did away with strategic subgames and was, we reckon, the better game for it, but a bit of empire-building wouldn't go amiss in number five, providing it suits the plot's needs.

5. I want some countryside (Clanger67)

The original San Andreas map reached right out into canyonland. From the looks of things, you'll be able to get away from it all in Grand Theft Auto 5, too.

6. I want sex (Bezza89)

IN THE GAME. San Andreas gave the world Hot Coffee and thus, unheard-of levels of international hand-wringing, but that was before Rockstar made its mark as a serious storyteller. We're sure the people behind Red Dead Redemption are capable of doing "mature" scenes maturely.

7. I want it to be like Pretty Woman (pop and fresh)

A surprisingly in-depth and eccentric suggestion from a closet Julia Roberts fan. Enlisting the services of a call-girl is Bad, morality fans, but what if you're trying to give her the love and support whose absence cost the woman her dignity?

8. I want to play the villain (pyschometal)

Intriguing, though we're obliged to note that Rockstar doesn't do villainy quite as obviously as other games. It's not like there's anybody wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

9. I want to hijack trains (comabob)

Good for you. See if you can do a wheelie on Thomas the Tank Engine.

10. I want to play GTA 1-3 down the GTA 5 arcade (STE MO)

We're not sure running the third game inside the fifth would be technologically viable, but we're not programmers. Could definitely see the top-down 2D GTAs, though.

11. I want Vice City's vehicles (sphynxy605)

Grand Theft Auto 4's vehicles are a varied bunch, but they're not remote-control mini-copters, Lear jets and rocket packs. Bling was blingier in Miami, too.

12. I want the Lost and Damned (pyschometal)

Hardarse with a heart Johnny Klebitz's arrival in Liberty City coincided with the first full-frontal male nudity shot on Xbox 360. We can only imagine what he'd add to GTA 5.

13. I want to customise cars (fynleyedwards)

Saints Row: The Third lets you trick out taxi-cabs with monster tyres. We don't need that level of ride pimpage in Grand Theft Auto 5, but a sprinkling of relatively authentic garage options.

14. I want to throw up (comabob)

Somebody misses the glory days of chugging so much mozzarella and ham you'd coat the pavement with your insides.

15. I want random and pointless cheats (Darth Mousemat)

Grand Theft Auto's lost touch with its silly side of late. Gone are the days of infinite ammo, invulnerability and turning passers-by into clowns so you could indirectly punish Stephen King's It.